Just for a laugh.

Got anything else on your mind that isn't about the Warriors? If you do, this is the place to post.
mickh
Posts: 644
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh »

Two beautiful statues were standing in a garden -- they had been there for a hundred years looking longingly at one another, but being statues and unable to move, they couldn't do anything about it. One day a fairy godmother took pity on them and whapped them each on the head with her wand, turning them into humans. "Because I've taken pity on your plight, " she told them, "I have given you both the gift of life for one hour. Now at last you can consummate your love for one another."

Well, the two statues look at one another and run off into the bushes. For a half an hour, there is much rustling of leaves and giggling, until they both stumble out from behind the bushes looking dishevelled and grinning from ear to ear.

The fairy godmother winks at them and says, "You both still have a half-hour left, you know!"

Upon which point one statue turns to the other and says, "Great! This time, you hold down the pigeon, and I'll crap on its head!"
mickh
Posts: 644
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh »

QUESTIONS THAT KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT:


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?



Why Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
mickh
Posts: 644
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh »

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates,
being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"


To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven.
But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven,
and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break.

"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers
to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful
angels soaring around her, when low and behold, a man approaches the gates,
and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral,
I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia…
mickh
Posts: 644
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh »

John Smith goes into the doctors feeling a little ill

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1500.Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

John, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' John screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 ....'*

'F*** me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !
mickh
Posts: 644
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh »

A young monk arrives at the monastery and he is assigned to helping the other monks
in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however,
that all of the monks are copying from copies, and not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone
made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, ‘We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son. I'll have to look into that.’

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts
are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by,and nobody see the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R!”
“We missed the R!”
“We missed the R!”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, ‘What’s wrong, father?’

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
‘The word was… CELEB R ATE !!!'
mickh
Posts: 644
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh »

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, ya need to understand, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and as I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to just simply answer the question yes or no."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Now when the Highway Patrolman came on the scene, he could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her first. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her - right between the eyes. then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
mickh
Posts: 644
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh »

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good...) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
mickh
Posts: 644
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh »

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Apologies to any teachers out there.

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
mickh
Posts: 644
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh »

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?” “SHIRLEY!” Brian screamed on the top of his lungs, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!”

“And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor. “NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”
mickh
Posts: 644
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh »

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
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