Just for a laugh.

Got anything else on your mind that isn't about the Warriors? If you do, this is the place to post.
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bill.inger
Posts: 662
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2009 11:34 am

Just for a laugh.

Post by bill.inger »

Train leaving Pimbo Lane for Wigan. Four people in the compartment, an elderly lady, an attractive young lady, a St Helens supporter and a Wigan supporter.
The train enters Upholland tunnel, pitch dark, and they hear the sound of a loud kiss followed by a slap.
coming out of the tunnel, they're all looking at each other and the Saints fan is rubbing his jaw, he thinks "that Wigan supporter kissed that girl and she belts me for it".
The old lady thinks "that Saints fan kissed that nice young girl and got a crack off her for his pains".
The young girl thinks "I wonder why that Saints fan kissed the old lady instead of me, but he got what he deserved".
The Wigan supporter thinks "I've won again, I kiss the back of my hand, smack the Saints speccy in the chops and I'm leaving them to it at Orrell.
josie andrews
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Joined: Sun Jun 10, 2007 10:17 pm
Location: Wigan
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Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by josie andrews »

bill.inger wrote:Train leaving Pimbo Lane for Wigan. Four people in the compartment, an elderly lady, an attractive young lady, a St Helens supporter and a Wigan supporter.
The train enters Upholland tunnel, pitch dark, and they hear the sound of a loud kiss followed by a slap.
coming out of the tunnel, they're all looking at each other and the Saints fan is rubbing his jaw, he thinks "that Wigan supporter kissed that girl and she belts me for it".
The old lady thinks "that Saints fan kissed that nice young girl and got a crack off her for his pains".
The young girl thinks "I wonder why that Saints fan kissed the old lady instead of me, but he got what he deserved".
The Wigan supporter thinks "I've won again, I kiss the back of my hand, smack the Saints speccy in the chops and I'm leaving them to it at Orrell.
???? ????
Anyone can support a team when it is winning, that takes no courage.
But to stand behind a team, to defend a team when it is down and really needs you,
that takes a lot of courage. #18thMan
bill.inger
Posts: 662
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2009 11:34 am

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by bill.inger »

I posted this hoping that the old jokes thread would be or could be resurrected. There was a lot of entertainment on that site in those days and it just seemed to die a couple of years back.
I couldn't find a way into the old jokes thread so if anyone can bring it back to life, there's got to be a shedful of jokes just waiting to be liberated, Josie, you were always good for a couple each week.
We can't all be that politically correct that we aren't allowed to print a joke any more.
moto748
Posts: 4583
Joined: Fri Dec 26, 2014 5:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by moto748 »

I think my Dad's losing it a bit. I went in the other day and he was sat at the kitchen table.

I said 'What are you doing dad?'

'A jigsaw of a big chicken!', he replied.

I said 'Put those cornflakes back in the packet Dad!'
Mary from Wigan
Posts: 20
Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2014 6:48 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by Mary from Wigan »

Man went to B&Q and asked for some nails, how long do you want them, oh I want to keep them.
josie andrews
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Joined: Sun Jun 10, 2007 10:17 pm
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Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by josie andrews »

A primary schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a Warrington fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Warrington fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?

"Because I'm not a Warrington fan, " she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a Warrington fan, then who are you a fan of?

"I am a Widnes fan and proud of it, " Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Widnes fan? "

"Because my mum is a Widnes fan, and my dad is a Widnes fan, so I'm a Widnes fan too!"

"Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Widnes fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?

Mary smiled, and said...............

"then I'd be a Warrington fan. ????
Anyone can support a team when it is winning, that takes no courage.
But to stand behind a team, to defend a team when it is down and really needs you,
that takes a lot of courage. #18thMan
bill.inger
Posts: 662
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2009 11:34 am

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by bill.inger »

Fellow has this big fat sow, says to his farmer mate, "I could do with some piglets out of her".
"Bring her up in the morning and we'll stick her in with the boar".
the following morning, he loads the pig into his wheelbarrow and shoves it up the hill to his mates farm and in with the boar.
"How will I know if it's pregnant" he says.
"In the morning, if it's rolling about in the mud, then it's pregnant, if it's eating the grass, you'll have to bring it back".
Following morning the pig is eating grass so he loads her in the barrow and back up the hill. Following morning, eating grass so back up the hill, next day, same again.
Saturday morning he fancies a lie in so he says to his wife, "What's that pig up to this morning?".
She says "The pig's waiting for you, she's in the barrow".

josie andrews
Posts: 35573
Joined: Sun Jun 10, 2007 10:17 pm
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Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by josie andrews »

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f***ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted,
Anyone can support a team when it is winning, that takes no courage.
But to stand behind a team, to defend a team when it is down and really needs you,
that takes a lot of courage. #18thMan
ian.birchall
Posts: 3679
Joined: Sun Jun 01, 2003 9:42 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by ian.birchall »

Father Christmas was working very hard before Christmas wrapping up Christmas presents when he ran out of Christmas paper.
He was mad but decided to start using Christmas tape but ran out of that and got more mad.
He decided it was too much and went out to the North Pole to fetch his reindeer for the sledge. He found two who were pregnant and now he had no paper, no tape and no Reindeer. Now he was really really mad so went home.
There he found Mrs Christmas throwing pans around the kitchen stamping her feet. What's the matter Mrs Christmas he asked.
The flour has got weevils in all the packets and I cannot make any mince pies.
This was too much for Father Christmas, he had no Christmas paper, no Christmas tape, no Reindeer and now no mince pies.
He was mad,mad,mad mad.
Just then the Christmas Fairy bounded in saying Happy Christmas Father Christmas, I've brought you your Christmas tree, where should I put it.
And that's why the Fairy is always right at the top of the tree.
Regarder une fille en bikini, c'est comme avoir un revolver chargé sur sa table:
Il n'y a rien de mal a ça mais il est difficile de penser à autre chose.


Now Europe is just for holidays.
OJ
Posts: 1743
Joined: Sun Apr 20, 2003 8:19 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by OJ »

As Forest Gump would say: "Stupid is as stupid does."


The 2016 DARWIN AWARDS



You've been waiting for them with baited breath,

so without further ado, here are the 2016 Darwin Awards:



Eighth Place

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.


Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.



Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.



Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.


Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.


Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.



The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.



HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.



RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.



AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'!

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

They won't be voting this year!!


Never argue with an idiot. He will bring you down to his level and beat you with experience.











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