Just for a laugh.
Re: Just for a laugh.
Art Interpretation
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple. 'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
Re: Just for a laugh.
A Russian and An Irish Wrestler......
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each otherseveral times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."
Re: Just for a laugh.
True story
An old fella goes into a chemist and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a small spoon,
He pours from the bottle onto the spoon and gives it to the chemist,
Can you taste that for me ? Good sir,
The chemist takes the teaspoon puts it in his mouth and swells it all around and swallows it,
Does that taste sweet to you at all says the old man, not attall says the chemist,
Thank goodness for that says the auld fella my doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar...
An old fella goes into a chemist and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a small spoon,
He pours from the bottle onto the spoon and gives it to the chemist,
Can you taste that for me ? Good sir,
The chemist takes the teaspoon puts it in his mouth and swells it all around and swallows it,
Does that taste sweet to you at all says the old man, not attall says the chemist,
Thank goodness for that says the auld fella my doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar...
Re: Just for a laugh.
True story
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor..
The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor..
The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
Re: Just for a laugh.
True story
Polish man goes to specsavers for an eye test.
Optician shows him the test card with C Z W J X N Y S A C Z and asks him "Can you read that?"
The Pole says "Read it?", " I fooking know the bloke
Polish man goes to specsavers for an eye test.
Optician shows him the test card with C Z W J X N Y S A C Z and asks him "Can you read that?"
The Pole says "Read it?", " I fooking know the bloke
Re: Just for a laugh.
3 Holy men and a bear
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.....Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled DOWN one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising the Lord. Hallelujah!
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.
Re: Just for a laugh.
Sex and Good Grammar
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on
a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile
dysfunction!
The husband went to the reservation and saw
the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say
'1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your
life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the
medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in
the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began
throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Re: Just for a laugh.
The Tie
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The terrorist asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The terrorist shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5." "Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find water."
"Okay," said the Jewish man, ?It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need... Go In Peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped..."They won't let me in without a tie.?
Re: Just for a laugh.
The Price of Avoiding Embarrassament
---------------------------------
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to
the counter.The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod
and reel?"He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes"
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only
$20.00.
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?
How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.
She paid it and left without saying a word.
Re: Just for a laugh.
The ASDA Greeter
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks
into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome
to Wal-Mart ....Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say,
"Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger
one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?
Do you really think they look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe
you got laid twice!"