Just for a laugh.

Got anything else on your mind that isn't about the Warriors? If you do, this is the place to post.
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mickh
Posts: 677
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh » Tue Aug 22, 2017 8:07 pm


Yodeling

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"


mickh
Posts: 677
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh » Tue Aug 22, 2017 8:13 pm


Two Rednecks went ah.... hunting .



A couple of rednecks are hunting out in the woods when one of them grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He don't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck whips out his mobile phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator...

"Christ almight, Bubba's dead! What the heck can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Sir, just take it easy. I can help you ... First, lets make sure he's dead."

The 911 operator hears a few moments of silence, then suddenly hears a shot.

Jim-Bob's voice comes back on the line. "OK, he's dead all right. Now what?"


mickh
Posts: 677
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh » Sun Aug 27, 2017 11:50 pm


Irish

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from all dat fockin skippin", the Irishman said.


mickh
Posts: 677
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh » Sun Aug 27, 2017 11:52 pm


Parrot......................



A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam ? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only twenty pounds." "Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks. "Well," replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity." "

Oh, I don't mind that," said the woman, making her mind up. "I'm broad-minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot." So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "F##k me, a new brothel and a new madam." "I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman, trying not to laugh.

A little later, the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "Un-f##king-believable: a new brothel, a new madam and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot, when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.

"In-f##king-credible: a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients.... How ya doin', Dave?"


mickh
Posts: 677
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh » Mon Aug 28, 2017 12:10 am




Child's prayer ..

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"


mickh
Posts: 677
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh » Mon Aug 28, 2017 12:14 am


Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."


mickh
Posts: 677
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:30 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by mickh » Mon Aug 28, 2017 12:19 am


Paddy phones an ambulance

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... And after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More silence and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn?t spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'


Wandering Warrior
Posts: 2938
Joined: Wed Sep 15, 2010 11:09 pm

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by Wandering Warrior » Thu Sep 14, 2017 11:00 am

Doris the Brexiteer wanted a better future for the country. Died of old age two days after the vote.
Gary the Brexiteer thinks immigration is ruining the country, plans to retire to Spain in a few years time.
Then there's Linda the Brexiteer, who thinks the Meditteranean is a country!?!
And finally there's Frank the racist land crab Brexiteer who ........... :wink:

Just love the irony. :D
When John Byrom plays on snow, he doesn't leave any footprints - Jimmy Armfield

josie andrews
Posts: 25417
Joined: Sun Jun 10, 2007 10:17 pm
Location: Wigan

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by josie andrews » Mon Sep 18, 2017 9:14 am

Urgent advice required!

For a few months now I have suspected that my wife has been having an affair, you know answer the phone and nobody there that type of thing, going out with her mate until all hours etc, I keep meaning to stay up and catch her coming home but I always fall asleep.

Anyway last night she went out as usual and I managed to stay awake, about 1:00am I went down and hid behind my boat in the driveway, sure enough about ten minutes later a car pulled up and she got out doing up her blouse and getting her knickers out from her handbag and slipping them on, it was at that moment that I noticed some of the gel coat had come off the stern of my boat below the waterline, would it be still ok to go fishing tomorrow or should I do a temporary repair?
Anyone can support a team when it is winning, that takes no courage.
But to stand behind a team, to defend a team when it is down and really needs you,
that takes a lot of courage.

josie andrews
Posts: 25417
Joined: Sun Jun 10, 2007 10:17 pm
Location: Wigan

Re: Just for a laugh.

Post by josie andrews » Thu Sep 21, 2017 2:05 pm

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he then asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals.

I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!.
Anyone can support a team when it is winning, that takes no courage.
But to stand behind a team, to defend a team when it is down and really needs you,
that takes a lot of courage.

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