BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

[josie andrews]

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’
Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So, when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone..
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

[i'm spartacus]

Best text messages ever.

A man and wife, both aged 54 who had been married for 30 years had slowly started to drift apart. The man, a Maths teacher at university, had over the past year got closer and closer to his 18 year old assistant and a relationship had started. He sent his wife the following text;

By the time you read this text, me and my gorgeous 18 year old assistant will be on our way to a new life together. We love one another, and she is far sexier than you.

The wife replies.

You don't know, but I too have been having an affair with my 18 year old personal trainer, and we too plan to start a life together. You are a maths teacher, you do the maths; 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18