Just for a laugh.

[SJ]

Two Hrdrogen molecules come together One says "I've lost an atom." The other says"Are you sure?"The informant replies"I'm positive!"

[KaylaRobbo]

Dirty Derek the local flasher was thinking about retiring, but he's decided to stick it out for another year!

[ian.birchall]

The children at a catholic primary school are lined up getting their lunch.
At the beginning of the counter there is a plate with a big heap of apples on it but the nun in charge of lunch has put a big sign on it.
'Only take one apple, God is watching'.

As the children get to the other end of the counter there is another plate with a big pile of chocolate biscuits on it.
In front of this there is another sign but this time in a little boys writing.
'Take as many chocolate biscuits as you like, God is watching the apples'.
????

[josie andrews]

A brunette goes into the doctors and says her body hurts whenever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger & presses her elbow, & screams in agony.
She pushes her knee & screams.
She pushes her ankle & screams.
And so it goes on: everywhere she touches makes her scream in pain.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I dyed my hair, I'm naturally blonde."

"I thought so," says the doctor.

"Your finger is broken."

[bill.inger]

Fiery old Welsh minister giving his sermon and he shouts at the congregation 'How many of you here today have seen a ghost?'
Several hands go up.
'How many of you have spoken to a ghost?'
Half the hands come down.
'How many of you have touched a ghost?'
Half the remaining hands come down.
'How many of you have had sex with a ghost?'
Just one hand stays up.
The old minister screams out 'Come down here Dai Morgan where we all can see you' and this little old weatherbeaten hill farmer trudges to the pulpit.
'So, you've had sex with a ghost have you Dai?' he shouts.
'Ghost is it you say, I thought you said a goat'.

[josie andrews]

A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower.

The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added,

"And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"

"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff."

"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

????????????

[josie andrews]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." ????????????

[mickh]

And then the fight started ...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started.
================================================== ====================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She
said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.

================================================== ===================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....
================================================== ===================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age . I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair..

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

================================================== =============

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn' t been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

================================================== ==========

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get
soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

[mickh]

Sister Mary Ann

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.


As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.


She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. HOWEVER, Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, so she decided not to wait...
and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient!


Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Protestants watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said,



'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

[mickh]

Teacher and student

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"