Just for a laugh.

[SJ]

N. B please remember if at first you don't succeed Sky Diving is not for you????

[Wandering Warrior]

From her adult range, Five Desperate on Brexit Island by Enid Blyton.

[SJ]

The early bird may get the worm but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.

[ian.birchall]

As Forest Gump would say: "Stupid is as stupid does."


The 2016 DARWIN AWARDS



You've been waiting for them with baited breath,

so without further ado, here are the 2016 Darwin Awards:



Eighth Place

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.


Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.



Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.



Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.


Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.


Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.



The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.



HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.



RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.



AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'!

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

They won't be voting this year!!

Disappointing that no British entries here..????

[SJ]

All those on this forum who believe in physico- kinesis raise my hand

[bill.inger]

Couple had been wed for several years and no sign of any children so she goes to see the doc. Complete examination and he says "all seems to be o.k. get your husband to come in".
He pops in, same diagnosis but the doc gives him a bottle and says he wants a sperm sample back the following day.
The fellow calls back the day after and puts an empty bottle on the doctors desk.
He says to the doctor, "I've tried it with the left hand, the right hand, the wife tried with both hands as well, the mother in law tried with one hand, both hands, teeth in and teeth out, but we can't get the top off that bottle".

[josie andrews]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer t*ts, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little w***kers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough? ????????????????

[Panchitta Marra]

A joke for our younger members as was told to me by our grand daughter.

Why did Tigger stick his head down the toilet?



























Because he was looking for Pooh.

[Wintergreen]

The early bird may get the worm but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.

and the early worm get's eaten by the bird.....

[SJ]

Choices for 2017?

Wine has
Wisdom?
Beer is has strength?
Water has bacteria?

You decide !
Medical experiment.
Place worm in water
Result. It continues to wriggle.
Place in whisky.
Dies instantly.
Conclusion.
If you're got worms drink whisky