"And what did you do during the Christmas holidays, Tommy?" asked teacher.
"Ah seed Farther Chrissmus!" replied Tommy proudly.
"I SAW Father Christmas," teacher corrected.
"Ah seed 'im in Lewis's, where did you see him?" enquired the boy.
Exasperated, the teacher tries a different tack: "What did Father Christmas say to you, Tommy?"
" 'E sed 'Ey yer little perisher. Put that theer toy elephant deawn!' "
Just for a laugh.
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morley pie eater
- Posts: 3251
- Joined: Tue May 02, 2006 2:01 pm
Re: Just for a laugh.
Wigan 
Saints
Saints -
Panchitta Marra
- Posts: 6134
- Joined: Tue Jan 09, 2007 10:24 pm
Re: Just for a laugh.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
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bill.inger
- Posts: 663
- Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2009 11:34 am
Re: Just for a laugh.
Daft question at the bar.
What do you call the lumps in vinegar?
Pickles.
What do you call the lumps in vinegar?
Pickles.
Re: Just for a laugh.
A man walks into a busy bar carrying a suitcase. He goes up to the barman and says I have no money but if I keep your punters entertained all night will you provide me with free drinks?
Depends on the entertainment says the Barman
The customer opens his suitcase and brings out a little grand piano and places it on the bar, he then brings out a little stool and places it by the piano, he then brings out a small man and sits him on the stool by the piano.
Ask him to play something says the customer.
The barman say beethovens fifth, and the little man starts playing perfectly. Put on the stage mate and what's your first drink?
Throughout the night the bar is rocking.....the little piano player plays everything everybody wants to hear, and all night the barman asks the customer where he got the piano player from, but the customer won't tell.
At the end of the night the customer is well drunk, so the barman asks again....cmon mate where did you get him from?? He's amazing.
Finally the customer relents. Ok he says, do you know that old lamp in the local park?
Yes replies the barman
Well if you go there at exactly midnight a genie will appear and grant you one wish....but you will need to speak up as he's a bit hard of hearing.
Hard of hearing, you're joking aren't you,says the barman
The customer replies...do you honestly think that I asked for a 12" pianist!!!!
Sorry
Matt
Depends on the entertainment says the Barman
The customer opens his suitcase and brings out a little grand piano and places it on the bar, he then brings out a little stool and places it by the piano, he then brings out a small man and sits him on the stool by the piano.
Ask him to play something says the customer.
The barman say beethovens fifth, and the little man starts playing perfectly. Put on the stage mate and what's your first drink?
Throughout the night the bar is rocking.....the little piano player plays everything everybody wants to hear, and all night the barman asks the customer where he got the piano player from, but the customer won't tell.
At the end of the night the customer is well drunk, so the barman asks again....cmon mate where did you get him from?? He's amazing.
Finally the customer relents. Ok he says, do you know that old lamp in the local park?
Yes replies the barman
Well if you go there at exactly midnight a genie will appear and grant you one wish....but you will need to speak up as he's a bit hard of hearing.
Hard of hearing, you're joking aren't you,says the barman
The customer replies...do you honestly think that I asked for a 12" pianist!!!!
Sorry
Matt
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josie andrews
- Posts: 35811
- Joined: Sun Jun 10, 2007 10:17 pm
- Location: Wigan
- Contact:
Re: Just for a laugh.
DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and,
not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a Duck.......
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and,
not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a Duck.......
Anyone can support a team when it is winning, that takes no courage.
But to stand behind a team, to defend a team when it is down and really needs you,
that takes a lot of courage. #18thMan
But to stand behind a team, to defend a team when it is down and really needs you,
that takes a lot of courage. #18thMan
Re: Just for a laugh.
Israeli doctor. "We took the testicles fro a man and put them in a woman. 6 weeks later she was looking for work.
German doctor "we took half a brain put it in an American. 4 weeks later he was looking for work"
French doctor. "We took half a heart put it in another person. 2weeks later they were looking for work. "
Scottish doctor " your miles behind us. Some months ago we took a woman with no balls,no heart ,no brains made her first minister. Next day everyone is looking for work "
German doctor "we took half a brain put it in an American. 4 weeks later he was looking for work"
French doctor. "We took half a heart put it in another person. 2weeks later they were looking for work. "
Scottish doctor " your miles behind us. Some months ago we took a woman with no balls,no heart ,no brains made her first minister. Next day everyone is looking for work "
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bill.inger
- Posts: 663
- Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2009 11:34 am
Re: Just for a laugh.
It's getting near bagging time (lunch) on the building site and this bloke realises he's forgotten his butties.
"Share mine"his mate says " I put 'em up myself".
Takes a bite and finds it pretty foul tasting so he says,
"What's on these butties?"
"Crab paste"
"Where do you get that from"
"The chemist".
"Share mine"his mate says " I put 'em up myself".
Takes a bite and finds it pretty foul tasting so he says,
"What's on these butties?"
"Crab paste"
"Where do you get that from"
"The chemist".
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josie andrews
- Posts: 35811
- Joined: Sun Jun 10, 2007 10:17 pm
- Location: Wigan
- Contact:
Re: Just for a laugh.
Overheard in Greenhalghs:
EDNA: Ooooh, hello Phyllis love. You're all dressed up.
PHYLLIS: Aye, I've just been to Agnes Jones funeral.
EDNA: Ooooh, is she dead?
ME: (quietly) FFS.
PHYLLIS: Yea, hers being buried at Gidlow Cemetery. She'll be in good company; their Eric is in theer, Audrey from across is in theer and her from t'top cul-de-sac who's net curtains were allus filthy is in theer. As a matter of fact, I'm gooin in theer too.
EDNA: Ooooh, fancy. Well I'm gooin in Lower Ince when I go - I like it in there.
PHYLLIS: Lower Ince? But you'll not know nobody!!!
EDNA: Ooooh, hello Phyllis love. You're all dressed up.
PHYLLIS: Aye, I've just been to Agnes Jones funeral.
EDNA: Ooooh, is she dead?
ME: (quietly) FFS.
PHYLLIS: Yea, hers being buried at Gidlow Cemetery. She'll be in good company; their Eric is in theer, Audrey from across is in theer and her from t'top cul-de-sac who's net curtains were allus filthy is in theer. As a matter of fact, I'm gooin in theer too.
EDNA: Ooooh, fancy. Well I'm gooin in Lower Ince when I go - I like it in there.
PHYLLIS: Lower Ince? But you'll not know nobody!!!
Anyone can support a team when it is winning, that takes no courage.
But to stand behind a team, to defend a team when it is down and really needs you,
that takes a lot of courage. #18thMan
But to stand behind a team, to defend a team when it is down and really needs you,
that takes a lot of courage. #18thMan
Re: Just for a laugh.
If cars could travel at the speed of light would may headlights still work? Would I still need to dip them to avoid dazzling on coming traffic? It's such a worry. Kept me awake all night :doz:
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i'm spartacus
- Posts: 534
- Joined: Sat Jul 02, 2011 12:51 pm
Re: Just for a laugh.
Topical this one
One of the first phone calls Donald Trump received after his inauguration was from her majesty the Queen who wanted to welcome his new roll.
Being his normal self - Trump tells the queen that he's considering calling himself king Donald the first of America. Don't be silly says the Queen; in order to be a king, you need to rule a kingdom.
'How about Emporer Trump then?' he says
'No no' says the Queen. 'In order to be an Emporer, you have to have an empire'.
I think you're fine as you are Mr Trump - in charge of a country
One of the first phone calls Donald Trump received after his inauguration was from her majesty the Queen who wanted to welcome his new roll.
Being his normal self - Trump tells the queen that he's considering calling himself king Donald the first of America. Don't be silly says the Queen; in order to be a king, you need to rule a kingdom.
'How about Emporer Trump then?' he says
'No no' says the Queen. 'In order to be an Emporer, you have to have an empire'.
I think you're fine as you are Mr Trump - in charge of a country