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Under prepared for these strong winds we're experiencing.

Problem is last time there was a gale warning a few Saturdays ago it was a no show!

(Seen on Twitter it really tickled me ????)

Scouser touring America finds himself in a one horse town in Arizona so he fills the tank and goes in to pay. Sat outside the store is an ancient American Indian, full headdress, pipe, the lot so he asks, inside, what the old boy wants, is he begging? does he want a lift? etc. "No" the guy says, "We call him the memory man, he knows everything there is to know, try him out but you can only ask four questions".
The Scouser goes out and says to the Indian, "Who won the FA cup in 1965?"
Quick as a flash he says "Liverpool".
"Who did they beat in the final then?"
"Leeds United"
"What was the final score?"
" 2-1"
Scouser then asks "Who scored the winning goal then?"
"Ian St John" and then the Indian falls asleep.

Years later, the scouser can afford another trip so he makes his way back to the same filling station but the Indian isn't there.
"Oh, he's retired, gone back to the reservation" says the man in the shop and tells the Scouser where to find him.
Sure enough, he finds him sitting there cross legged outside his tent in the desert so being on the reservation, the scouser thinks he'll give the old boy the traditional Indian greeting.
Holds his hand up, palm facing forward and says "How"
The indian looks at him and says,
"Header inside the six yard box".

Couple just got married and as they're turning in for the old nuptials, she says, "I've got a bit of a confession to make".
"Oh aye" he says, "what's that then?"
"In a former life, I was a hooker, a pro"
Getting a bit turned on he says "tell me more then".
She says "my name was Eric and I played for St Helens".

You know what I want to see just once: a suicide bomber instructor!

“Right lads, pay attention, I’m only going to show you this once!” ????

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Bonnie Prince Charlie is the only man named after three sheepdogs! ????

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What is the definition of an intellectual?

A person who can listen to the William Tell Overture & not think of the Lone Ranger ????

Wigan sign Dan Sarginson.

Think this is the right place for this news.

Saint Peter and Jesus are having a chat one morning when they spot an old chap, bent double, beard, stick and looking very depressed.
"go and see what's to do wi' yon mon" says Peter, so Jesus wanders off and says to the old timer,
"You look lost my friend, is there something I can help you with."
"I'm looking for my lad" says the old boy.
"There's millions and millions of folk up here, how will you recognise him if he's around".
"Oh, easy, he's got holes in his hands and feet".
Jesus, amazed, says "Father?"
The old guy, equally amazed looks him over and says "Pinnochio?"

Paddy and Murphy are working along the roadside, paddy is digging holes with Murphy following on and filling the holes in.
A bemused passer by asks why paddy is digging the holes with Murphy filling them in.
Paddy replies, it's quite simple, Mick normally plants the trees but he's phoned in sick today.

whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?


ones heavy and the others a little lighter

A bobby catches two little lads trying to climb into the DW to watch the game.
"Oh no you don't" he says, "you'll get back in there and watch the game out like everybody else".

A Russian and An Irish Wrestler......

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each otherseveral times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."